


The Shadows of My Heart

by our_winter



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: M/M, slight angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-10
Updated: 2017-05-10
Packaged: 2018-10-30 08:09:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10872684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/our_winter/pseuds/our_winter
Summary: “How long?”The Commander knows he is fighting a lost battle even then he can’t stop himself. He had been denying it for too long now.“Why don’t you try to discover? You’re so good at that.”“How long?”“I don’t know!” He shouts.





	The Shadows of My Heart

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, I wrote this before ACOWAR coming out and I still ship them so hard. I'm not an English native, so sorry for anything. Any mistakes are mine.

Cassian strides into the kitchen rubbing his sleepy eyes. He can see Azriel sitting casually in one of their couches, his wings tucked behind him and a cheesy romance novel on his scarred hands. The golden light from the morning sun bathes him, making his skin glow golden in a stark contrast with his dark hair and Cassian’s breath catch on his throat, he averts his eyes and concentrates on making his coffee. 

He feels tired, eyes heavy and muscles aching from the last week without a single good slept night while he was in the camps. He twisted his hair in a small knot and kept it in place with a pencil.

“I love you.” Azriel says softly.

Cassian freezes and looks over to where the other male is still staring at his book. His heart is beating so fast that he thinks it would jump out if his ribcage, he knows his eyes are wide when Azriel looks up at him, a small, soft smile curving his lips.

“What?” He squeaks a little too loud to be normal, but he doesn’t care, something is twisting into his stomach and he wants to hear that words again.

“He finally told her that he loves her.”

The Shadowsinger says gesturing to his book and Cassian’s stomach falls, his chest hurts like someone is squeezing it between clawed fingers, ripping it into shreds and he can’t speak for a moment, his words lost on the thing blocking his throat. He nods and turns back to finish his coffee feeling stupid, small and hurt. Of course he wasn’t saying it to you! Do you really think that he would… He would love you back? He had vowed to himself a long time ago that he would not think of that word and Azriel in the same sentence, he would keep that feeling locked inside of him and would never look at it again. It’s been centuries and he had been successful on hiding it. No one knew, no one suspected, even if Amren had given him more than one knowing look when she had caught him staring at the other man for too long, or when his breath caught when the Shadowsinger touched him for a second too long, but he knew that she would never tell anyone, she would never betray him this way. This feeling was his secret and one that he would take to his grave.  
He can’t stomach the thought of drinking the coffee anymore and leaves it at the counter untouched, he strides for the door, whispering softly the words that are lodged on his throat as he walks out.

“I love you.”

He doesn’t see the shadows scurrying back to Azriel.

 

***

 

He flies away, as far as he can think of, till everything that he can see is the ocean and he lands on a small island. He takes his boots off and sinks his feet into the warm sand, he feels that feeling treacherously burning into his chest, ugly and hurting. He feels so sad and angry that he thinks he could turn himself into ashes just to stop this feeling.  
He blames his half asleep brain for the confusion, his walls were down so early in the morning, he would never thought that Azriel would say something like that. He had such a good control, how many times over the years he caught himself in a drunk state, the words on the tip of his tongue, ready to slip out the moment he opened his mouth, heart pounding as he looked into the Shadowsinger’s hazel eyes, as those scarred fingers gripped his arm to keep him from tripping on his own feet. And then, there was Mor, radiant as the sun and illuminating Azriel shadowed face, the way he looked at her, eyes warm and full of affection, hands gentle every time he touched her even if she was stronger than the both of them. Cassian didn’t resent her, he would never, it wasn’t her fault and neither Az’s, but it still hurt like a bitch every time.   
He tried, for the Cauldron he tried so hard to forget him, to wash away this feeling inside his heart. He slept with half Velaris on his way, men and women got in and out of his bed like new sheets, he forgot their names the moment the door closed behind them, but he knew that in his head he had called Azriel’s name the entire time. He just wanted to take this feeling out of his chest, to make it stop hurting. The Commander could hear that as time passed every time he laughed he was more sarcastic, more hurt, more self-depreciating, his mask slipping away.   
Cassian sits on the sand and hugs his legs against his chest, chin resting on his knees. He feels like when he was little and had to fight to take anything that he needed, to survive, to be worth something, but now, now he can’t make himself fight, even for the thing that he wants most. You can’t make someone love you, and he would never impose that, he couldn’t say anything because he knows Az better than anyone and he knows that he would try to make things better for him. And he doesn’t want pity, he just wants to stop falling apart. 

Tears run down his face and he just feels sad and hurt and tired, he wishes that everything would just stop, that for a moment his chest would feel light like it was before of everything, before he knew what he felt. The first sob surprises him and then comes the next and the next, and then he is sobbing into his knees, wings shaking with his shoulders at every broken sound that fall from his lips. It’s like a dam has been broken and all that had been kept inside of him for all this centuries came rolling out.  
Azriel finds him that way. He doesn’t feel the Spymaster till he is sitting beside him, Cassian keeps his eyes on the waves and neither of them say a word for what feels like a long time. He doesn’t bother to wipe his face as silent tears are still rolling down his cheeks. Azriel is silent, his hands twitching the entire time, Cassian see he open and close his mouth eleven times. He is counting.

“I heard you.”

The Shadowsinger’s voice is nothing more than a whisper but it is enough to freeze The Commander. He doesn’t say a word, he doesn’t know what to say so he keeps silent and waits for Azriel to continue.

“Why haven’t you told me before?”

Cassian gives him a humorless laugh and wipes away his tears.

“Really?”

“Why?”

“I really expected more of you, Spymaster.”

He uncoils to his feet and starts to walk away. He doesn’t want to talk about this, especially with Azriel, he just wants to be alone and hurt on his own for a while. For the fucking Cauldron, is that asking too much? 

“Cassian.”

The sound of his name almost makes him stop, almost. Azriel is beside him in a second.

“I don’t want to talk.”

“But I want to talk.”

“Don’t care.”

Why he can’t just leave him alone? Azriel grabs his arm, his scarred fingers wrapping tightly and making him turn to face him. Their eyes meet and Cassian feel his knees wobble, he just wants, he doesn’t even know what he wants but he wants.

“Cassian.”

The Shadowsinger’s voice is soft now, face serene and eyes warm. Cassian can’t take it, he gives the man his best dismissive smile knowing he had failed on it.

“It’s ok, Az.”

Azriel’s grip tightens.

“How long?”

The Commander knows he is fighting a lost battle even then he can’t stop himself. He had been denying it for too long now.

“Why don’t you try to discover? You’re so good at that.”

“How long?”

“I don’t know!” He shouts. He feels defeated and small, he wants to punch something or someone, to fight till his hands are raw and pretends that this has never happened, but now that the words started to come out he couldn’t make himself stop. “I don’t know. One day I just looked at you and it felt different, I just wanted to touch you and hear you laugh, your laugh is ridiculous by the way, but I love it anyway. And then I saw the way you look at Mor, and it started to hurt and I wasn’t going to get in your way. Now that were talking about it, you really should talk to her, you and her deserve to be happy.”

He gives the other man a small smile, Azriel looks like he had been struck by a lightening. He relieves on the feeling of calloused fingers on his skin, keeping it on his memory.   
Azriel fingers are warm and gentle, even if his grip is almost unbreakable, Cassian knows that he would break free if he wanted, the problem is that he doesn’t want and he hates himself for it. He shifts on the other’s grip.

“Come on, Az. Let me go.”

He looks up at him and when he spoke his voice is unsure and small. So unlike his usual self.

“What Mor has to do with any of this?”

Cassian sighs. It is just his lucky, having to explain to the man he loves that he loves another person.

“You love her.”

He says softly, gaze falling to his bare feet on the sand. He knows that Azriel thinks that he doesn’t deserve good things, that he doesn’t deserve to be happy, but by the Cauldron, everything that Cassian wants is for him to be happy, even if it isn’t with him.

“I don’t.”

It’s his instantaneous reply.

The Commander looks up so fast that his neck hurts.

“You what?”

“I don’t love her. I mean, I love her, as a sister, but not as a woman.”

“Oh.”

Is all that he masters to say. He doesn’t allow his hopes to rise, that doesn’t mean anything.

“You could have told me.”

He says softly, Cassian looks down at his feet again where they disappear on the sand.

“I didn’t want you to feel like you were obliged to anything. I don’t want you to…”

“I love you.”

He looks into the hazel eyes. Azriel face is open, he pulls Cassian closer and raises a hand to wipe a tear from his cheek. The other man keeps silent, speechless.

“Have for a long time, but you were always fooling around, I didn’t think that you would want anything or that you loved me.”

“I do.”

Cassian replies softly. Azriel gives him a small smile and leans to place a kiss on his forehead, the hand that had wiped his tear away is now cradling his face, he closes his eyes praying that this isn’t a dream. Az disperses gently kisses on his entire face, whispering I love you’s at every kiss, and Cassian melts, the feeling on his chest turning into a bubble of happiness and he can’t stop the chuckle that escapes his lips when the other man nibbles his chin. He opens his eyes when he feels the spymaster’s breath against his lips. Azriel lets his hold on his arm and that hand is now securely around Cassian’s waist, his own arms around the Shadowsinger’s neck. He pushes forward and seals their lips together. Fire runs through his body as he pushes himself flush against the other man, their bodies like two pieces of a puzzle. He just knows that he could stay this way forever and doesn’t care. Azriel pulls back to stare at him and Cassian wonders how he had never seen the love there before, they smile at each other and kiss again as the world fade into nothing.


End file.
